I've spent about a week and 1/2 dealing with allergies and asthma acting up.  Now I know I wasn't suppose to wear myself out and be more cautious with body.  I guess I wasn't careful enough, but I had hand sanitizer, but lets face it. I work in an environment where most of the staff has been going down like flies.  My weekend of misery and pain began on Friday evening and has continued since. 

Interestingly enough when my temperature was its highest, I actually prayed for sleep.  I craved it because it was a departure from the pain and extreme body temperatures that I have learned to loathe.  Now I've missed a week of work and feeling so unuseful to anyone.  I tried getting up to do things earlier, even with a temperature. I forgot what the flu does to your body.  So I've been lying around and this isn't exactly helping me.

Well hoping to feel back to myself soon, so I can resume my life. I feel like I'm letting other people down.  I know I shouldn't feel that way, but that is how I feel. 

The world feels like it is spinning.   A lot of times I feel it spins without me.  Lately I have been getting "It's your turn!".  "So when do you think you will begin your family".  I rarely bump into the "You have time. Enjoy life and get yourself settled into your career and ways".  That is what I need to bump into.  I go through cycles. Some days I wake up and feel like I'm not ready to have a kid.  I am scared of labor.  I know many women with vaginismus have given birth to babies, but there is this fear of complications.  Then there si days where I wake up, which are most, that I feel like my biological clock is ticking and I'm angry at my body.

Yes I'm angry at my body.  It didn't protect me when I'm younger and for some reason when I don't need the protection it is now preventing me from having a wonderful marriage. Don't get me wrong outside the whole "no sex" problem we have a wonderful marriage. We are very close.  I don't mean that my relationship is on the brinks, but I desire a normal healthy sex life.  I desire to have to worry about whether or not birth control is a necessity.  My anger is my body allows and accepts viruses and my body allows me to experience the horrendous cramps that shake my body.  I'm just angry.

I'm angry that everytime my husband touches me certain ways, I re-experience things from the past.  If the things I was re-experiencing were pleasant and happy, I'd have no problems. But that isn't the case.    

About a week ago, I had decided I was going to cancel a counseling appointment that covered a PT appointment.  Only to discover that the PT called me as I was about to pick up the phone and call the place to cancel my Saturday appointment. Low and behold the PT was hoping I could change the time and not the day.  I thought, wow I can do both appointments.  Go figures.  I don't cancel the one appointment and my dear beloved husband ends up in the ER. Same abdominal pains and this time they decided to hold him.  The medication wasn't working. It started to take effect around 2 am.  We finally got home.  I managed to call Friday evening when I was standing outside the emergency room, and making the routine family calls to let family members know the situation.  My parents recommended that I cancel everything and I did. I'm not sure if I will be charged or not, but that really is the least of my worries.  They ran some tests and we may know more in the next couple of days.  My PT was very understanding and remembers the day that he first went to the ER so she pretty much said "Don't worry about the costs and a statement of wishing my husband well."  He has not eaten for 3 days now.  I felt guilty leaving the room around 12:30 to grab a snack from the machine.  My stomach was aching, but I didn't want to pass out by his bed side. 

Well gotta go take care of my baby..  He's been fighting doctors, nurses, and myself about the need to stay home from work.  He wants to go in on Monday if the pain is at the level it is now.  I hope I can convince him to make the right choice.