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Wow it has been forever since the last post. Life is still pretty much the same for me. I've been busy with physical therapy and counseling. I believe the last time I posted it was about trying to self-soothe exercises. Not much has come from that. But I am still working on it. I recently began sex therapy with my husband. This was after prompting of my counselor. It has been interesting to say the least. Well, due to the hour, I"m going to make this short, but I'm going to try to write in this blog a little more. Maybe my motivation to heal is up more.

Update

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday break. Mine was good, except for the trip to in-laws where I got to listen to abusive rant towards my husband by his father. This time, it was bad enough his brothers even tried to appologize for their fathers behavior. I'm not sure why we go down. His family never comes up to see us and his father makes us feel like he really doesn't want us there. So I'm not exactly sure, why we make these trips down.
If and when we do have a child, I am not exposing our child to that kind of crap. That isn't fair to us or the child. I wish I had more back bone to speak up. I really need to try that the next time because it is nauseating listening to him talk the way he does. There is no need and it is completely unexcusable.
Other than that life has been busy. I need to schedule another appointment with the counselor. I have slugged off on that for some reason. Oh well.

I've spent about a week and 1/2 dealing with allergies and asthma acting up. Now I know I wasn't suppose to wear myself out and be more cautious with body. I guess I wasn't careful enough, but I had hand sanitizer, but lets face it. I work in an environment where most of the staff has been going down like flies. My weekend of misery and pain began on Friday evening and has continued since.
Interestingly enough when my temperature was its highest, I actually prayed for sleep. I craved it because it was a departure from the pain and extreme body temperatures that I have learned to loathe. Now I've missed a week of work and feeling so unuseful to anyone. I tried getting up to do things earlier, even with a temperature. I forgot what the flu does to your body. So I've been lying around and this isn't exactly helping me.
Well hoping to feel back to myself soon, so I can resume my life. I feel like I'm letting other people down. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but that is how I feel.

Discussion of Lucid Dreams, and Sex

I had another counseling session, which we discussed how I've been doing with Lucid Dreams. I've read about it online. I'm not exactly certain that the reading has helped me. I've made attempts at the journaling. He wants me to do Lucid Dreaming. I'm suppose to place an older version of myself and place myself in the memories and nightmeres that visit me frequently. It has been a long journey with this. I've managed once to see myself in the dream, but I think I ended the dream feeling more frustrated and upset at myself for not doing anything.
We talked about sex and how things are going there. I feel guilty as a wife because some girls that vaginismus, the vaginismus doesn't prevent them from doing other things to satisfy themselves and their spouse. I am struggling with the intimacy. The body memories, the failures, and the fear, has held me hostage. We then discussed my husband's recent question "what do you like?" ... He asked me my response. The thing is I have no idea what I like.
The question of "have you orgasm" came up in conversation. Um no. Never experienced that. I have heard it is enjoyable, but never experienced it. I'm suppose to work on self soothing exercises. I am willing to give it a try, but I'm not feeling like there is a lot of promise. I need to come up with reasons why I deserve to enjoy sex. I have no answer for that.

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This blog is of an individual trying to recover from being sexually abused as a child. This is her way of trying to take somehting bad and fight it. This is my attempt at being a survivor while battling the storm. God and family are my biggest supports.